he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
