I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
