My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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