My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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