Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
