tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I want her autograph on my taint
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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