Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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