3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
