Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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