my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
