So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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