Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
