help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
