i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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