and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
