she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
