She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
