Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
