your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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