He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
