I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
