we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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