Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
