this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
