I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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