Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
