i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He did a backflip because drugs
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
