life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
