non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
