Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
