I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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