Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
