Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
