come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
