My liver just broke up with me...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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