Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
