Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
