I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have surprise drugs for everyone
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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