I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
