fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
