and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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