He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
