The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
