John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
