Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
