you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
