I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
