so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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