What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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