I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
