so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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